She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
