Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
