my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
