So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
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