Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
