I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
