Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
