Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
