I wish I could punch you in the face.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
