I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
