Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
