College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
