there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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