Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
