Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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