So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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