Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
