wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
