Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
