Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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