What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
