It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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