And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
