I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
