Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
