So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And then he peed in my hair
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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