It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
