She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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