Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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