I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
