Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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