This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
