my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
