My Higher Power is John Stamos
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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