My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
