I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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