Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
