dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
