you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
