I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
