he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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