Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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