The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
