Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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