It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
