Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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