Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
