I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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