so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
this is an emotional support booty call
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
