FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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