Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
