I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
