Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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