I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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