My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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