I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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