My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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