Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
